I'dRatherLiveinaFictionalWorld

I Hate Love

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

The Cold-hearted One

I’m a monster! I say

But you never listen.

I ask you not to look

now you’ve been deceived.

I told you not to

but you come so close.

I’m a monster! 

Didn’t you hear.

I’m a monster!

Why can’t you see?

You’re in too deep, 

But this is all a snare.

I’ll rip your heart out

And tear it to pieces.

I’ll gobble your life up

And leave you empty.

I’m not capable of love

You see!

So run as fast as you can

And hide where I can’t follow.

I hate to be cold-hearted

But this is who I am.

I’m a Monster! 

Silent Cries

The screams, the sobbing

Echoes in my head…

The screams, the sobbing

Echoes in my head!

Ears! Covered with pillow

Hinder I from hearing

Why! A root so shallow

Result to such erring!

Bawl! Stir I up from slumber

In a night of September

Words I never want to hear

Have come rushing to my ear

Why! I can’t help but ask

Everything turns to dusk

It does hurt me inside

Pain! I can never hide

There’s nothing left to do

No right to voice distaste

Can never blame both too

‘Coz all they feel is hate.

Tears trickle down my face

Drop by drop, tear by tear

Tears trickle down my face

Drop by drop, tear by tear.

Pagbisita sa Bahay ni Maria

December 29

 My family usually held a Christmas party just to reunite all of us just before the year end. It is always a fun-filled event. We have sumptuous meals to fill our hungry (but most of the time, already full) stomachs, we sing at the top of our lungs even if we are all out of tune, we tell stupid jokes and make silly faces, we then laugh hard until every inch of us hurts, and to top it all, we exchange gifts and pamaskos.

But last year was different. We dropped the exchange gifts for one another. Instead, we agreed to share it with people we don’t even know. My thoughts when I heard about my family’s plan? 1) Good! At least I don’t have to worry too much about Christmas shopping. 2) I pity my younger cousins. They might think this sucks because there won’t be any gifts to fill their Christmas trees and open once the clock strikes 12. But the idea was more than this. Guess it was the most fruitful Christmas party we ever had for years.

 We visited Bahay ni Maria a home for the aged in Calamba City, Laguna. When we arrived there, we don’t even know what to do. We don’t have a program in mind. We are given a microphone and a speaker. But we are not performers. We only sing and dance at the comfort of our homes. So how are we supposed to entertain the lolas (grandmothers)? My tita then grabbed the microphone and introduce my clan. We then approached the 23 lolas and greeted them with a mano. They greeted us back some with smiles and some with kisses. And since we don’t know what to do next, my mom then announced that I will be singing while playing the uke. And I was like: Whutt?? I only know one song!! Why on earth did I bring that uke! After that embarrassing number, though I can see that the lolas don’t mind much, my cousin then play the guitar in the tune of Hawak Kamay. Like what I have said, we are not performers, and the icebreakers were both failures.

Then my tita encouraged the lolas to sing. And that did it. A lot volunteered to sing. And everyone was humming! Some danced, then everyone was swaying! The silence and the ice among us were finally broken. Our performances were long forgotten. I come to realize that ALL THEY NEEDED IS TO BE SEEN AND TO BE HEARD. This is the only time when they can show people who they really are and once were. It is the only time that people will pay attention. And yes, it was the other way around, my family was entertained.

The best part of the visit (for me) was when the lolas shared their stories on how they ended up in the home for the aged. Some also shared their childhood. However, given a limited time I was only able to talk (know their stories) to two lolas – lola cora and lola senyang. Lola Cora chose to tell her story when she was young. She is from Bicol and her house was just in front of the Mayon Volcano. She even narrated the story of the Cagsaua Curch. Another vivid memory based from lola Cora’s story is that she always climb the balimbing tree to steal and eat its fruits. She was laughing like a child when she told me that back then her lola always caught her red handed.

Lola Senyang, on the other hand, is from Quezon (if I remember it correctly). She told me that she have a couple of nieces and nephews whom she helped when they needed it. Unfortunately, since lola is already too old to work, they left her. Nonetheless, she chose to sing her heart out (and to keep a positive outlook) rather than sulk.

I decided that I will never leave the Home without hugging each one of them. I can’t really fathom how their daughters, sons, and other family members leave them all behind. I feel grateful for my lolos and lolas. Yes, they may be irritating at times but I will never be who I am and I can never have this life if it wasn’t for them. So right before we left, we gave them our simple gifts and hugged them sincerely. It was so nice to see that my younger cousins also enjoyed our visit.  Some lolas were teary-eyed (and this almost brought tears to our eyes too) but most were smiling. They heed us to come back soon. I know it is not the gifts, or the food nor our presentation, it is because THEY FELT THAT THEY WERE LOVED even in that short span of time.

 Yes, last Christmas was different. It was so much more than we bargained for. I guess this helped me realized the importance of family. This act of kindness was much more meaningful mainly because I shared it with the ones I love. We were not able to fill our stomachs with tons of food or our arms with boxes of gifts, but our hearts are overflowing with happiness and love.  Also, after that day, I GAINED ALMOST TWO DOZEN LOLAS. YEY!